i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
