The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
