my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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