My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
