screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
