I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
