dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
