You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Come on in and take your pants off
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