i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
where are my eyebrows?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
