Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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