Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize