it's not cheating when I paid for it
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
