remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Randomize
