exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
