i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just blew my weed a kiss
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
