It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
