i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i dont even know how to be here
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
