I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
