Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
