You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
