at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
