my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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