Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
