im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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