Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
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Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
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We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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