So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
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