On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
