I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
