i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
