May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
