Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
