Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
