I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
