I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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