At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
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I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
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We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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