i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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