As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
