It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
