I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
foreskin is a definite game changer
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
