Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Sober January is a disaster.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
