did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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