When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
