About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
