im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
