Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize