woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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