Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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