I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
