Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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