Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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