I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
