Can i not drive my cunt home
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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