everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
