My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
