And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
