This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
