imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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