I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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