I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
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