I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
