Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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